As it is almost Valentine’s Day, I thought it was fitting
time for a blog. As a single person, I
often hear other single people’s many challenges that come with Valentine’s Day
(a holiday that “reminds us we are unaccomplished,” “evokes the pitiful, I am
sure you will find someone” or “discriminates
against our people” – and, yes, I have actually heard all of those from single
friends, though the last one includes my hyperbole. Between all this talk of singleness, I have
started doing reading on singles, talking with many friend, and trying to find
out why some folks seem OK with their single status, while others loath almost
every part of it. So, these are my
single insights – even if you aren’t single, if you know someone who is single,
this could be insightful :)
On a recent walk, I had a couple of bursts of genius. Socio-analytical mumbo-jumbo, GO! I think single folks are largely broken down
into two groups, the coincidentally single and the intentionally single. What do I mean by that? First, I think, as with all things, there is
a spectrum and folks tend to shift back and forth on that line. But, overall, those who are intentionally
single tend to feel less angst toward Valentine’s Day and singleness in
general. These are folks that have
chosen to be single, either on principle or due to other conflicting goals –
travel, career, education, etc. Those that are coincidentally single are not
single by choice, perhaps their lives are not well organized for a relationship
or they have been unable to find someone worth sharing that commitment but they
feel their lives are a puzzle with a huge missing piece. As may be obvious, unintentional or
coincidental singleness is a greater challenge, I would argue because these
folks feel out of control and like something is lacking. Those intentionally single, are going in many
other directions – usually there is space for a relationship but it would take
some rearranging.
My other single observation was all about polygamy and
monogamy. And, now you are all
reading. I believe people are largely
either emotional polygamists or emotional monogamists. Emotional monogamists are people who tend to
always have one person in their life with whom they share everything, process
everything, and spend a majority of their spare time. Some sub-cultures tend to nurture and
encourage emotional monogamy for religious or traditional reasons. Emotional polygamists are people that tend to
dump their emotional baggage in a variety of laps and have a number of close
friends. From my observations and
experiences, those of us that are polygamists seem to have a far easier time
being single. If one friend moves,
couples-up, or no longer has time for us, we have a whole handful of other
folks to call. An emotional monogamist,
on the other hand, is left high and dry without support if that other person’s
life circumstances change. Those folks,
therefore, tend to seek long-term committed relationships because then they
don’t have to reattach each time their one person moves on to something else
(well, they do, but when they are married to that person, it is harder for them
to just move on at a whim).
So, those are my theories on singlehood. Are they sociologically researched, based on
extensive surveys, and statistically significant? Probably not.
BUT, they do seem to play out across the friends I have ‘studied’ and
with which I have discussed singleness.
So, to all my single ladies (and gents) and joy Valentine’s Day for the
love of your friends and always practice polygamy. :)
