Changes, changes, changes

For the first time in five years, I will be living in the same place for more than one year (The roommates are changing so it is not 100% the same situation). And I bought a couch and table and chairs (both used and from my former roommate). That is enough to make me have a minor panic attack. I guess, there is something nice about laying down 'roots', not moving, and 'knowing' an area. It is terrifying to me. 'I am too young to settle' rushes through my mind sometimes daily. And I don't like having this much stuff that I have to worry about (no comments from my mother who has to put up with my personal shrine of junk in my room at home). Don't worry though, the people I am renting from are moving back into their house in one year, so I am not too settled - or even if I am, I will be kicked out of the nest again soon enough. And both my roommates and my job have changed, so this change addict is still getting her fix :). I am still unsure why the thought of being committed to anything is so terrifying for me. I guess, I just feel like there is so much of the world to see. Everyone says, appreciate your age right now because you can go and do anything you want. Once you get married, have kids, have a mortgage, are climbing the ladder at work, etc. you can't adventure anymore. So, I am trying to accept the not moving as a nice stable place from which to jump off - easier to jump from a rock than quick sand.

To update you all on the job, as I know many of you have been wondering, I am going to be working part-time at the program that brought me to Washington, DC three and a half years ago. I will be assisting one of my former-professors and doing a plethora of random things. It will give me exposure to the inner-workings of University programs to some extent, who knows at times I have thought I might enjoy working at a university. Best, though, is that I will have time to better discern what my life's next steps are/try some things. Thanks to many teachers on a life of simplicity, I can fairly easily make ends meet on a part-time job and can recommit to the other tenants I learned last year of community, social justice, and spirituality. My life had become badly unbalanced over this past year, and I now am blessed with the opportunity to bring back that balance and stop and listen. I have time to really answer questions like, "When have you felt most energized?" "What topics most upset you?" and "What would you like to see change in the world?" All great questions from a 'discerning life's call' survey I recently used as a reflecting tool. So, in addition to again doing laundry regularly, cleaning up my yard, and running more, I hope to use this time to volunteer, network, do informational interviews, and catch up on the academic side of my interests.

As always, thanks for your prayers, thoughts, comments, critiques, and words of wisdom!

Be Everything That's You

"I want you to be everything that's you deep at the center of your being." - Confucius

These were the words on the calendar that my mom and dad gave me for Christmas that hit home. What is at the center of my being? Do any of us actually ever know what is at the center of our being? That is the journey of life, I guess.

"It is better to travel well than to arrive." - Buddha

That is another one of the quotes from said calendar. As a highly introspective person (I know you never would have guessed ;) ), I am a firm believer that all the answers to 'life,' if there are answers, are right in front of us, we just have to slow down to listen. The only problem is we live in a culture where everything is perceived in terms of deadlines, meeting others expectations, fitting into a role - What are you going to study? What will you be when you grow up? What will be your legacy? Sure, it is easier to put people in a box but if someone is in a box all you see is the outside of that box and what you think the label is, you never get to see the complexity of what is inside. These have been some of the many thoughts running through my head over the last year and especially last few months. I reached the conclusion that I was not being everything that was me at the center of my being and was not traveling well. So I did the only logical thing one can do, I left my job.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

This quote has been one that was on the back of our sweatshirts in Key Club during high school, it was painted on the wall over one of the school exits, and has been painted on my being for years as well. I realized I was no longer living my life in a proactive way. I have learned in my 24 years that all I have control over, all I can really do is live the example of how I think the world should be.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - FDR

So with that quote in mind, I am starting a new chapter in my life. I am looking for a job in the DC area. I have come to the conclusion that, for now, I want to be working with the immigrant community, that is where my passion seems to be. I am hopeful to take up my studies of French again. With Spanish, French, and English I can speak to a large portion of the population. I also want to volunteer again, in some capacity. I am giving up control and having faith - or trying to suppress the control freak within me. I am trying to feel and not just think through everything. I am at the moment content in the uncertainty and excited for whatever is to come.

And since it wouldn't be a real Karen blog without it, I thank you all for your patience in hearing from me over the last few months and for all your thoughts, prayers, and messages - that largely said, "Where are you?" :-) Definitely, keep all three coming :)

I will keep you updated as I embark on this new chapter. I leave you with two of the quotes that are current mantras.

Micah 6:8: Act justly, love tenderly, and walk humbly with your God.

Confucius: Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Please don't keep your love hidden away...

Sooo I don't just quote Josh Groban because I think he is dreamy, though that is reason enough. I have been listening to this song over and over and over all week long.

It was what I describe as a week. Between the stroke of an elderly loved one, who thankfully is now on the road to recovery, the two year anniversary of Lauren's death, and the death of my dog (all in a five day period of time) I am ready for February. You really just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Of course, that comes after hours of crying forces you to put things into perspective. It is amazing how much I appreciated the texts and phone calls of friends and family this week. The smiles of co-workers and waves of neighbors, even the bitter wind on my face on the bike ride to work was a gentle reminder that the world was still turning and each moment is precious. I guess it is true without experiencing sorrow we may not truly appreciate the joy. So on that note, I leave you with more of the lyrics to this song and a few requests.

First the requests... Wednesday is the one year anniversary of the earthquake that took the life of my classmate, dormmate, and friend Molly Hightower (could be another 'week'). In her memory, and all who lost their lives in this horrific disaster, I will be wearing the colors of Haiti's flag (blue and red) and invite you to do the same, solidarity baby. Also your prayers for Molly's family and friends are greatly appreciated. The final request I have is that you hug your loved ones often and constantly.

In Mr. Groban's words:

You're a wonder, how bright you shine
A flickered candle in a short lifetime
A secret dreamer that never shows
If no one sees you then nobody knows

And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please, don't keep them hidden away

Sing it out so I can finally breathe in
I can take in all the same
Reaching out for someone I believe in
All I really need today

I want to feel your love, will you reveal your love?
Please, don't keep your love hidden away
I want to free your heart, I want to see your heart
Please, don't keep your heart hidden away

Thanks for sharing your hearts with me and know that you have a spot in mine.

Peace,

Karen

A Week with limited water...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I know, I am late with my last post on fasting, my apologies. I was supposed to post it on Christmas, if I stuck with the schedule, but I was busy celebrating that day :)

So, my last week of fasting was living with limited water, I only took military showers - no long 10 minute showers. As someone recently told me, most of our daily water consumption is in the shower (the charity of that week, charity:water, offers further insights into water usage and water as a social justice issue). I will admit. I cheated on this one. In that, it was not much of a challenge because I did this for all of last lent and through the summer in El Paso to conserve water.

In reflection, I did think some about how we use water here in the U.S. We water our lawns with it, some neighborhood association require you keep your lawn green. We take long showers to relax muscles, warm up, practice our singing, etc. oh and we get clean in there some how as well :) Our brothers and sisters in many countries often struggle to even get enough clean water to drink. When I was in Nicaragua this summer, we couldn't drink the well-water (our bodies aren't used to all the little parasites and things in their water). There were just two pumps in one of the little villages and if I remember correctly those were fairly new. Many folks bathed in the river, as well as did the laundry - tried both of those while there, makes you appreciate an indoor closed shower and washing machine. And that is where my advent season concluded. With Christmas morning, waking up in a bed, taking a shower, checking my email, and eating a diverse range of foods (all healthy and nutritious of course).

After this month of fasting, am I a changed person? Perhaps. Am I more appreciative of the many things I take for granted? Yes. Am I also more disgusted with the world? Probably. But there is not much I can do to make the whole world less materialistic and more focused on relationships, experiences, and the other many things that hold true meaning. So I will continue to rant and try to live out Gandhi's quote, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Thank you to all who joined me, cheered me on, read this, laughed at/with me :)

One final, unrelated to advent thought. This Wednesday is the two year anniversary of the death of my fellow peace-loving, social justice-living friend, Lauren, who died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. Please, keep her family and friends in your prayers and in her honor purchase a carbon monoxide detector if you do not already have one. The price is definitely worth the cost of not having one. If you want to learn more about Lauren or Carbon Monoxide poisoning you can check out The LAUREN Project website (http://laurensproject.org/).

Love you all and may your 2011 be filled with blessings and peace.

Paix,

Karen

And the children were nestled all snug... on their floor?

Dear Friends,

As a child, of probably eight years or so, I can remember for a Girl Scout badge we had to write down our two favorite places. To this day I remember my response was: Chuck E Cheese and my bed. I have to say, those are still my two favorite places… Just kidding.

This past week was my week sleeping on the floor instead of in a bed. Amazingly this has been the easiest week so far. Thank you exhaustion. I have always been able to sleep almost anywhere; I fall asleep on noisy planes, with screaming babies, often before we even take off. I spent a semester of my college career sleeping in a sleeping bag; A week of my life on a mission trip without beds; And other random nights on the floor but never with the intention of reflection specifically on the bed-less part of those experiences.

Even sleeping on the floor, I could not help but think how lucky I am. At my office, we receive more than 300 phone calls each day. The majority of those calls are from individuals who are sleeping on the floor. Unlike my sleeping on the floor experience, many of these people do not have a stack of blankets, an insulated house, or even heat for that matter. Even in my rental house, the heat is set at a comfy 68 degrees during normal waking hours and, thanks to one of my generous roomies, I have blankets galore. When I got home to Oregon, my floor had an additional benefit: Carpet. Most of the moms I talk to on the phone at work are more likely than not putting their children to ‘floor’ without so many blankets and potentially on hard wood or the cheap indoor/outdoor, hard-to-destroy carpet common in low-income rentals. In the past week, at A Wider Circle, we put out a request for blankets as the temperatures outside were in the teens (gosh, I missed my El Paso-desert-bike-commute on some of those mornings). It was amazing to see a table stacked with more than 20 blankets be cleared completely within a matter of hours. Again, something so simple that I often take for granted. Between my two homes, Oregon and Maryland I personally own 17 blankets, I believe. And for those of you who know how much stuff I own in general, those really are a huge part of my belongings.

I have also been thinking even about how much ‘bed’ has become a part of our lexicon. “Early to bed, early to rise…” “I’m going to bed.” “Three little monkeys jumping on the bed…” In our country, it is just something that we assume is in ever home. We even call it a bedroom in English (something that doesn’t happen in the other languages I have learned). Just some food for thought.

In seeing many of you since I have been back in Oregon, I have found I have trouble explaining the work that I am doing and what my organization really does. I feel like you have to see it to believe it, in some ways. The example that comes to mind though is in the movie Blindside (for those who have seen it). There is a scene where Leigh Ann Tuohy shows Michael his room and he asks if that bed is his and then says he has never had his own bed before. I cried at that moment. That is story of many of the more than 1,000 individuals and families currently waiting on our waiting list. As well as the 10-15 families we serve each day.

Here is my challenge for the week. At A Wider Circle, we have one key policy. Do not say anything about someone that you would not say to his/her face. This means other staff but also donors and clients. I think this is a mantra to live by in all aspects of life and can’t help but think how, if we all took this to heart, the amount of hurt in our world would greatly decrease. There are enough random bad things that happen in this world that cause us pain, why add to each other’s pain with petty gossip? That extra negative energy, I am sure, just spreads. So for this week of love in the advent season (who needs Valentine’s day? We’ve got a whole week of love :-P). My challenge is to live by that one key policy and let every action and word be one of love. It will at least make you a happier person. Instead of cursing out the driver who just cut you off, say a prayer (s)he gets to her/his destination safely. Instead of complaining about your mother-in-law’s dry turkey (which is definitely my plan), become a vegetarian. : )

Until next week, peace and love be with you! And a very Merry Christmas.

~ Karen

Oh Happiness, Thy name is Carb

Hi Friends!

I hope you had a great and peaceful week! For those who have been following my blogging, you will know I gave up most food (only eating beans, rice, squash, corn, apples, and milk) for the past week. Even as I write that, it seems like I was still eating a lot of stuff. And again, I learn more and more about 'addiction' I feel each week of 'fasting'. This was a hard week though.

One of the first things I realized was that I have an overwhelming access to food. It may be with the holiday season, I think it is just the generosity of those with which I work, but there were at least three different 'free foods' sitting on our kitchen counter each day. Everything from mixed nuts, chips, and fruit to muffins, cinnamon rolls, and bagels. Needless to say, there was endless temptation :). I can proudly say I have enough Catholic Guilty that I did not cheat once on my fasting :). In this though, I did realize that if for some reason I had just not had the money to buy food this week, the reality I live in would never have allowed me to be hungry. One day I even heard one co-worker saying, "I haven't gone to the store because it is so cold outside so I literally have no food in my house." Another co-worker then offered, "Do you want half of my lunch?" Food access is definitely not something I lack...

Another realization that I came to is that food for me is more than just a way to nourish my body. When I am stressed or emotional in a negative or positive way, I cook/bake/eat. I still cooked and baked this week, I just fed it to other people excluding my rice and beans :)

I also don't think I have ever really understood the word craving before... All I wanted all week were things from the bottom of the food pyramid, excluding rice. Bread. Pasta. Cereal. My stomach some mornings would literally wake me up growling, because one can only eat so many bowls of squash, beans, rice, and corn. Yet, when I would get to the kitchen to heat up my rice and milk breakfast, my stomach would have changed its mind, if that was the option, and I would literally have to choke down the bowl trying to tell my body it would need the nourishment for the bike ride to work...

So the next time I contribute to a non-perishable food drive, I don't care if beans and rice give me the most bang for the buck, I will be buying some kind of healthy canned soup or fruit or something with some excitement. I will be passing on something that someone will enjoy eating. Something that I would enjoy eating. Perhaps some pasta to go with that soup...

The next week of advent is the week of joy, yahoo pink candle. This is a side note and a bit of a tangent, as a child I always use to think or would pretend (because I was never that naive a child :-P ) that the pink candle was because of me as it almost always falls right near my birthday :) So be joyful! I have really tried to do that constantly at work, because everyone is stressed this season both those who call to donate furniture, co-workers, and those who are sleeping on the floor. It is amazing to see how it rubs off. So rub off some joy this week and I will send you my reflections on sleeping on the floor next weekend from OREGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until then,

~ Karen
The Carb-a-holic

P.S. Saturday is my Break-fast day, and I literally had to stop writing mid-way through this to truly appreciate and devour a succulent bagel. :)

Advent Week One... Overcoming addiction

Dear Friends,

Happy Hanukkah! These are my reflections on my week without personal email/facebook/useless internet surfing...

I now have even greater respect for individuals who have overcome an addiction. I have to say I also didn't realize how much I use my email as an escape. I woke up a week ago and as normal I thought, I wonder if anyone sent me an email and I am so excited it is Sunday because that is when Postsecrets changes their posted secrets :) Throughout the week while I was baking, cooking, or before leaving work my default would be, I should check my email. When I would get home from work I would think I should check facebook and see if I needed to poke someone or wish someone a happy Birthday. In the few spare moments I had through out the week, I started thinking of planning my Christmas break (which largely means visiting folks in Oregon) and again would be foiled by the lack of 'communication ability.' I had some attempt at a social life this week and am planning a holiday party for next week, both of which again are more difficult without the email and facebook to which I have grown accustomed. I also did wake up excited to be able to again check my email. I definitely did not realize the level to which email/facebook primarily had so completely taken over my life. I do think to some degree instead of being means to an end they have become an end in themselves. It is my opinion that those tools should be used as just that - a way to assist in communication with people. Instead I have to some degree I think allowed them to become an idol in my life with which I have an active, yet one sided relationship.

Without the "privilege" of these things in my life I did notice a shift in my behavior. I found I spent more time reading, socializing in person, and probably sleeping without the constant draw of the computer. I also found I had to let go of some of my control freak-ness. I couldn't easily shoot someone a message to figure out our evening plans. I also had to be willing to accept that I would potentially miss some opportunities (I heard recently and may have quoted here that life is nothing but a bunch of missed opportunities - not in a negative way because for every opportunity missed that means another was taken advantage of).

I read a book two summer ago that talked about the important of mindfulness and focusing on just one thing at a time for inner peace. I have to say that without the computer that was much easier. I normally can be found in the kitchen cooking, cleaning, eating, reading emails, responding to emails, some times talking on the phone/texting/G-Chatting, while making my next to-do list and checking things off of my current to-do list. Needless to say, I am probably not doing any of these things to the best of my ability because I am only using one-tenth of my ability on any task. So in addition to learning of my addiction, I have relearned the importance of mindfulness (and will most likely have to relearn that one another million times in my life time).

I do think I will try perhaps to only use the email every other day or something along those lines so that it again is a tool to help me instead of the all consuming addiction that it seems to have become in my life. This week of computer fasting has definitely been an enlightening experience.

For the next six days, I will be on the beans, rice, corn, squash, apples, and milk diet to see what I learn about taking for granted the great variety and accessibility of food in my life. Though in looking at that huge list, I feel like I am granting myself too much variety...

Also one final tangent, do to my being out and about more this week, because I wasn't wasting so much time on the computer, I have been spending a lot of time on the bus (which is always an eye-opening experience to encounter humanity). I have noticed, and come to realize, those who are living with less, often in economic poverty, tend to wish others a "blessed day" or to even say "I am blessed!" more than individuals of higher economic standings. I especially notice this on the bus and in many of the phone calls I answer at work. I have never had a person calling to donate furniture bless my day or talk about how blessed their life is but regularly have folks calling to get furniture bless my day or in response to "how are you?" say 'I am blessed' (which is often then followed by 'and could you tell me how much longer until I can come get a bed')... I am still formulating my reflections on that but just find it interesting...

Have a blessed week and rest of Hanukkah for those of you 'in the tribe.' I think this week the advent candle symbolizes peace if I remember correctly... So on that note, peace be with you.