Sharing Light

Sometimes as we sail along the river of life, I don't think we realize how far our light may be cast.  Nor, do we realize that our rays may be piercing through someone's darkness.  Here are some of those recent moments from my work that have really brought brightness to my life.

1. One of my favorite things to do is bring people together so they can learn from one another and bring out the best in each other.  For the past two months, I have had the distinct pleasure of overseeing a great intern at DDP.  She is one of those people who greets everyone like they are meant to be her best friend and her efforts to learn sign language, even though her time with us is brief, have made a huge impact on the staff.  One of her many talents happens to be teaching swimming.  I love being in a position where I can help facilitate her putting those skills to use for the benefit of folks in our Deaf community.  Some of her new little fish had never before attempted to swim.  Some of these same little fish have only been learning sign language for a month, thus, even if she had been fluent in the language, she still would need great creativity in communications.  Seeing this all unfold really was a highlight of the last few months for me.  It was a good reminder that an ability to bring people together and delegate can allow the light to shine even further than trying to do things on my own.  Especially in this situation because I swim like a cat (not well and I tend to yowl and look like I am about to drown).  Sometimes, formal language is not even necessary. 

 

The young students floating away.

 

I think they are practicing for their synchronized swimming routine...

 

This is my favorite picture, that is the sign for correct. (And, yes, the crazy photographer did climb into the pool with her camera in order to get better photos).

 

This pool is from when Cambodia was a French colony and is over two meters deep.  So, they only fill it part way to create a shallow end... Definitely, a unique experience.

2.  Another reason I have loved having an intern is that she is able to work on projects that have been waiting for a free moment (which usually never comes).  One of her tasks was to put together short videos of Cambodian Sign Language - something visitors, social media followers, and staff had been requesting for a while.  Now, this language can spread a little further.  If you want to learn some sign language (for your next trip to Cambodia), check out the video below and follow our channel on Youtube - where we will be adding a new video each week (three are up so far).

3. My last little anecdote for you is one of those experiences that just make you laugh.  When your co-worker tells you, "If you die today, we will celebrate tomorrow."  Huh?  Translation error? 

So, the context.  At my office, power surges that flip the breaker are not all that uncommon, especially if the A/C in the first floor office, the fridge, and the hot water pitcher are all on simultaneously. Or, the wind is strong.  Or, it is stormy.  Or... you get the picture... Sometimes, the lights stop shining.  

A couple of weeks back, this situation arose and the lights went out.  Many people wait for the maintenance guy or one of the guards to come investigate the situation and flip back the breaker.  I suspect this is for a couple of reasons, one is that it is a nice unplanned coffee break.  The other, is apparently some folks are worried about getting shocked if they touch the circuit breaker.  As the person closest to the magical little box, I heard the switches flip so, in my western logic, walked over to put them back.  As I did this, one of my co-workers said, "Careful not to die."  To which, I responded, "If I do, tell my mother I love her." (This is a version of a line from the movie No Country for Old Men, and likely comes from something else prior to that but is a good example of the many things I say daily that are so US culture, my generation, that they just make no sense to people here, or they miss the point).  It should be noted this co-worker has amazing English and the two of us constantly joke with each other about everything.  For about six months, he insisted on saying good morning to me every time he saw me.  Even at 5pm. 

His response to my message to my mother was, "If you die today, we will celebrate tomorrow."  He then went on to explain (because I acted highly offended), " In Cambodia we have a lot of food, and music, and people get together the day after someone dies so it is like a celebration, you know that.  We don't celebrate because we are happy someone died."  So, how did this bring light to my life?  It made me think of all the hilarious things I am probably saying in my attempts at speaking foreign languages, across foreign cultures that should probably never be taken out of context (and likely don't make sense half the time in context).  A sense of humor is the most important personal flotation device.

So let your light shine and celebrate! 

Reasons to be thankful

In honor of the USA Thanksgiving today, I thought I would list some of the things I am most thankful for this year (in no particular order).


1. The opportunity to learn a new culture

This was the scene in my living room yesterday.  Here in Cambodia, you don't use counters to cook, that is the purpose of the mats.  A bunch of my co-workers came over for a Friendsgiving of sorts, though to them it was just a gathering.  We foreigners made 'foreign food' and the Cambodians planned a Khmer menu.  In my time here, people are SO willing to share their culture.  I have been welcomed to homes and families, driven around, shown new sites, foods, and ways of life, learned two new languages and been welcomed to the Deaf community.  Plus, been forgiven for more cultural blunders than I care to count or even realize.  All of these are such amazing gifts.

2. My family

These are just the most recent family photos from when my sister and bro-in-law (plus father-in-law and sis-in-law) came to visit and then took me along to the Philippines to meet all of their family. That trip and being surrounded by family was so life giving.  The text messages, phone calls, emails, updates on the news of all the immediate and extended family are what keep me going on many days. I would not be able to be here if I didn't have those deep roots and that constant love (and the weekly 2-3 hour phone calls with my Mommy who is the switch board for us all).

3. Supportive friends

This photo is from my first Australian bush walk with the lovely Kim who made me a part of her family while I was in Sydney.  She housed me and fed both my body and soul while I was rejuvenating.  This was just the most recent picture I could find with a friend but this list could be endless.  From the emails of support, the fall leaves sent straight from Oregon, the baby photos, the life updates, Skype dates, mail, care packages, visits, text messages, Facebook likes, food deliveries or the making of food for me (shout out to my roommate), making of clothes, and so much more, I am forever thankful.

4. My orientation class

This group of people are a prime example of community.  This is the MKLM Class of 2014.  We may be spread over four different countries but through Skype dates and email support groups we are always connected.  Though the cultures vary, so many of our struggles match.  At the end of our 3.5 year contracts, we will all be joyfully reunited and some days, that is what keeps me going.  Words can't express how thankful I am for them.

5. Health Insurance
Not sure what more I can say about this.  We are blessed with the most amazing coverage - doctors, specialists, therapists for mind or body, dental, vision, pharmaceutical.  Yes, we are exposed to many more risk factors than most people coming from our backgrounds but, in the health sense, MKLM takes amazing care of us.  I have joked I should have all 'optional' organs removed while in mission because I will likely never have coverage like this again.


6. Rest

I have had the opportunity to 'rest' in some pretty amazing places.  Above is Royal National Park in Sydney, Australia.  This past week we went on retreat in Siem Reap.  Often, I feel like rest is not a common occurrence but when it comes it feels so GOOD!

7. Technology
Thanks to Skype, Google chat, Facebook, Email, Google Voice, I can call, text, message, attend weddings, funerals, family gatherings, and be in touch with those I miss most.  With the power of the internet, just popping in is easy to do.  And, likewise, I am never sure who will be popping in to check on me.  Plus, I can always escape into an e-book or Netflix for a break from reality.

8. Fresh fruit and vegetables

One word.  YUM!

9. Change
This is one I try to embrace.  There is a quote I have in The Book of Karen that reads "There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened, it won't last. - Jules Renard"  As a person who constantly loves to be trying new things, meeting new people, having new experiences, in many ways I am addicted to change and so thankful for it.  BUT, this quote reminds that all things are fluid.  Whether good or bad, we need one to truly appreciate the other and neither is permanent.  As I once read in an eastern philosophy book, we must meet every person in each moment as if we are meeting them for the first time.  They are not the same person we met two minutes before because things are always changing. When I am in a good head space, I am much better at embracing this.  And, cross-culture experiences are great ways to practice, meeting each moment as a new opportunity for growth and change, and being thankful for the challenge because that is what makes the new learning really stick.

10. Meaningful work that involves a direct human connection

These are some of our amazing field workers at DDP.  I love that part of my job is to see all the work that these folks do.  Our staff members all have such great potential to really become leaders for our Deaf community.  Many have been through so much and I am so thankful to hear their stories, share their stories, and be present to them.  There is a direct correlation between "good days" and the amount of time I am spending with our staff as opposed to just my computer.  I doubt much of what I am doing really makes a difference or is the kind of stuff that people couldn't live without, but, getting to know so many strong, resilient, motivated, ambitious, devoted (this list could go on and on) people is a huge reason for thanks.

So, from me to all you, THANK YOU for being a part of my life.  Hug your families and friends (or show your love in some other culturally appropriate way).  Happy Thanksgiving!

Vlog of Blackheath

In place of my normal blog, I thought I would give you a Vlog...  Enjoy!  (Just click the video below)

Sometimes this sucks

As the title of this post indicates, sometimes this sucks.  From feedback I have received from people recently, I get the impression I am communicating some kind of rose-colored-glasses version of reality.  So, I want to clarify, sometimes this sucks.  I can only speak to my experience, not that of every missioner but, sometimes this really blows.

By coming overseas, I left my support community, my coping mechanisms, many things, behind that I didn't realize were being left out of my suitcase.  I figured I would find new ones here, or thought I was bringing some along but reality had a different idea.  Therefore, when things get tough, because life is tough, I have found it exceedingly more overwhelming to deal with those struggles.

There are the little things about trying to fit in a new culture.  I really see two approaches here, some people just live as they always have lived (regardless of the offensiveness to the host culture) and others try to fit in.  I think I fall toward the fit in side but sometimes it is just too much. Sometimes, I just want to wear shorts, or hug my male friends in public, or laugh loudly, or, or, or...  When does not being culturally offensive start to jeopardize me being myself?  I have been told in my time here that I am too loud for a woman, I laugh too much, I don't dress girlie enough or I dress like a boy.  I am too skinny, I am too fat.  I have been told I should wear certain clothes, certain make-up, scanter clothes, more conservative clothes.  I have been laughed at by my attempts to speak the language and also told my language skills are amazing.  I have been nit-picked for saying things wrong, by Khmer and foreigners.  I have been told I need to try this or that because that is the culture here and I need to try more (to be Khmer).  I struggle because I chose to come here, so does that mean I am the one who needs to conform?  How do I do that without losing myself?  It doesn't matter how thick a skin I try to have, sometimes I just want people to stop telling me what I am doing is wrong or how I need to change.

Relationships are more difficult.  Who pays?  Is my paying creating dependency or acknowledging my stipend is higher than many of my co-workers' salaries?  What do I say and not say as to not offend people?  I can't even talk to men without potentially sending the wrong impression. How deep can relationships go when neither person is particularly fluent in the other person's first language? Talking about family, friends, experiences only further demonstrates the extreme gap between life style privileges. My vegetarianism is constantly a point of debate so I will just avoid situations where others are eating, because I don't want them to feel bad or offended that I am not but that is also not something I am compromising and am tired of being made to feel that it makes me a failure as a missioner.

There are ex-pats to deal with.  Let's just say, not everyone has the same approach to living in the country but many think their way is right and they hold some ultimate truth.  So, the people who are 'easier' friends, because they come from a similar background and culture, can sometimes be the most difficult people.  Many have burn-out, or are set in their ways. White savior complex is rampant and dependency-based models of development abound.  Plus, many expats are dealing with the same issues of culture shock or lack of support, which I find problematic.  Many give and give and give on their job but are not aware that their interactions with other ex-pats are less than life-giving.  So, finding my tribe has been difficult.

  

Most of my coping mechanisms also don't work here.  Though, these were discussed beforehand, I thought many were transferable.  Then, reality hit. I bake and cook, especially for friends.  Here, that is taxing.  It is hard to find ingredients, it heats up the whole house to 90 degrees, who do you invite without others feeling excluded, especially when it comes to the local community.  It is usually more stressful than helpful.  I run.  Can't run outside here because the pollution makes me sick, or as the Dr. said, "You are allergic to Cambodia and will continue to get sick, as long as you are doing strenuous physical activity outside."  I try running at the gym, but I can't work-out too hard without getting sick, or headaches, or losing too much weight (because it is really hard for me to keep on weight in a hot country where I have no appetite, I can't eat dairy - Dr.'s orders, and seem to end up with an unhappy gut every other week from food, probably that I ate out with friends so as not to offend, or from stress because my coping mechanisms were taken away, or because when I get too hot, I get an upset stomach).   I bike.  If you read my recent newsletter, or any of the traffic blogs, you will understand why that doesn't work so well.  I go to nature.  Uhhhh... Cambodia I believe is winning the award for highest rate of deforestation in any country.  Soooo...

Now throw on top of this, life continuing back at home.  Friends and family are far away.  Important events, weddings, holidays, birthdays, are missed.  Then, there are the really hard things like aging, personal problems, and funerals.  My experience has been these are harder than ever from a distance. Guilt, regret, worry.  There is a constant underlying fear that something will happen to someone important and all this time will have been missed with them.  And, for what?  I am probably just being culturally offensive, furthering a cycle of dependence, and further confusing situations.  Plus, this was a choice. It is a privilege to be here and that all these people have welcomed me into their world and their lives, so how snobby and self-centered does that make me that I am not thrilled at every moment?  I should be overwhelmed with gratitude daily for all these things, but sometimes I just am not.

Sometimes, I just want to not care.

I don't have a solution.  And, every person I talk to has a different answer. For many at home, the solution is just to leave. But, is quitting because it is hard really going to help me? Maybe there are lessons still to be learned. As a friend and I used to discuss, I guess this is Phoenixing. You have to burn-up for something new to come up from the ashes. And, there is nothing like taking away all my normal surroundings and supports and throwing me out of my comfort zone to have to face what I am really made of, and not all of it is pretty.

I leave you with a song by an artist who I don't really wish to endorse, but a friend shared it with me. Seems well timed.

Goodbyes and grains of sand

I am a very transient person.  I have grown accustomed to saying goodbye when I leave.  Living in DC area, people were always coming and going but the turnover as an expat here is extraordinary.   I have learned, I don't like being the one left behind (sorry for all those I continually leave).  You meet people, invest time, build relationships, and they go.  Some will keep in touch regularly, many slip away and remain as a memory of a friend for a time.

This has also made me acutely aware of the ever increasing speed of time.  How do you balance spending every possible moment with people while those moments exist and still recognize and care for your own needs?  I also have just 20 months left on my own contract and then I may be the one leaving.  How will I feel when that time is up?

There is an Anna Nalick song I absolutely love that says, "Life's like an hour glass glued to the table.  No one can find the rewind button... Just breathe"  So, I am trying to just breathe through it all.  And, this is why blogs have been slow coming.  I am struggling to find that balance.

For your viewing pleasure, here are some recent grains:

 

In June, or was it July, these lovely folks came to visit.  Lauren and I went to college together and were hall-mates Freshman year (back when dinosaurs roamed the earth).  We haven't seen each other since the graduation party, I believe, which just made catching up that much more fun!  And, I got to meet Jeremy for the first time.   A great break in my routine!

 

At the airport sending off my buddy Erin (middle) who was here for nine months through a Fulbright/National Geographic grant.  I have endorsed her blog before but will do it again!  Read more about her research and experiences here with the Cambodian Deaf Community. Thankfully, Arlinda (right) is still here to entertain me :)

 

I did took some photos for another Maryknoll project and this was one of them.  The colors of Cambodia are just amazing.  This is in one of the lakes near Phnom Penh.  They are filling these lakes in (in the name of development) and forcing the low-income residents off their land and away from their livelihoods.  Then, they fill the lakes with sand and build huge extravagant buildings on them...  When it rains, everyone is then boggled by the fact that the streets are under a foot of water...

 

The beautiful Boeung (lake)

 

I also helped a different lay missioner conduct mock-interviews with her university students.  This is my best attempt at looking like HR.  It was a lot of fun to mix up the normal routine and hear about these students' interests.  Some were clearly very passionate about a certain field, like the one whose entire face lit up when I asked why she wanted to be a teacher. 

 

This is just to prove to you I am still alive.  We were trying to take photos for a new government ID that is being required and so of course I took this very seriously.

 

This is another goodbye.  For two months I took care of this little kitty.  He ate through multiple cords, bit me multiple times (he was suffering from transition anxiety because his family moved).  Despite all that, leaving him at the airport was possibly one of the most traumatic experiences I have had here.  Leaving a terrified, caged animal that is looking at you like you are the only person in this world that can help him and you have no way to explain he is flying to his family is not an experience I hope to repeat.  Though it is nice to not have my ankles attacked every time I walk around my house, I do look crazier because now I just talk to myself.  Before I could say I was talking to the cat :)

 

I was also responsible for helping to keep these two alive (neither of them bit my ankles, thankfully).  Each year, Maryknoll Lay Missioners Cambodia is responsible for hosting two students from Notre Dame University who come for a service learning experience.  It was great to have some fellow Holy Cross educated folks to chat with about life.  Plus, visitors are a good excuse to try new things and have new adventures... Like checking out the spa down the road... or...

 

Making new furry friends.  One year ago, I was too scared to hold this.  But, after having one end up in my sarong, holding it was a much easier challenge.

And, if you want to see more of what I have been doing, check out the recent DDP Newsletter, featuring my writing and photos.  Plus, one of these articles was submitted to me all in Khmer and I did the the English translation (PROUD MOMENT)

Authenticity

This year, the whole Maryknoll team here was invited to attend the Fourth of July reception and picnic at the US Embassy of Phnom Penh. Little did my colleague James and I know the important people that would be in attendance. Can you find us?

The reception is a formal event, in the morning, for leaders of organizations and other important figures (and a few of us lucky plebeians that happen to know someone who knows someone). This flashed me back to years ago when I worked at a job where networking was a big part of what I had to do. Schmoozing. Pressing the flesh. Kissing babies. You get the picture. Now, I have always loved people. I love learning people's stories and hearing what makes them tick.  I network in my sleep and am always trying to connect people who I think would be able to help each other in someway but these formal events make my skin crawl.


Let me paint a picture, for those of you that have not had the privilege of attending one of these events. 200+ people. All dressed in black suits. 90% of them are male. They clump around tables with those they know, introducing them to others they know... Or press-up against the walls glad to have a drink in their hand because it is their only friend in the world. It is a huge game to me. Everyone is trying to fit into a role, it seems, where they conform to some unspoken societal expectation (except for the two people in brown suits and the man in bright red pants whom I almost wanted to kiss for embracing their individuality).

I really enjoy (read with a voice dripping in sarcasm) the strategies of escaping someone in whom you see no value.  I am probably not supposed to analyze these, but I do: 1) "Here, meet my colleague;" 2) Flatly saying you need to go check on another guest; 3) Heading to the bathroom or to get a drink; 4) Simply walking off. It is amazing how poorly most of the world can carry on a conversation if it is not scripted and serving some specific purpose (beyond learning the story of another and acknowledging their experience).


Someday, when I am supreme ruler of the universe, I plan to only talk to the people that everyone else avoids because they have no 'value' for high power schmoozing – and maybe someday these 'important' folks will realize that creatively engaging with those who are different than them will lead to some great new ideas and opportunities.  For now, I will take my actual authentic interactions with real people any day over this game of who has the best title on their name card...



I don't want to end on a negative note.  I recently attended the wedding of one of our Deaf community members (I don't know him well, but was still invited). Here, though we were again all wearing costumes, at least our interactions were authentic. Enjoy some fun photos with my colleagues.

Yup, that is just my normal, 100% natural face ;)

Sometimes I giggle

I recently was speaking with a friend and said, "I 'bore' easily.  I like to always have the opportunity for a new adventure.  A chance to keep learning.  A challenge to stretch who I am. A problem to solve" Sometimes, though, when every moment becomes an adventure, it can be a bit exhausting.  It is nice to, every now and then, have something go according to plans.  Settling into a routine can provide space for other creative endeavors and the mind can rest.  But, for those moments when it just seems a bit too much, I try to remember to just giggle.  Life is a book, packed with a series of adventures, and some chapters are just more action packed than others.  Positive ripples...

Giggle moment #1

Some would likely classify me as a bit of an environmentalist.  I refuse to buy certain foods because they have too much packaging.  I bring my own take-out containers so I don't rely on the disposable kinds.  I may have brought a year's worth of paper with me to the USA to recycle on my recent trip because I had no reassurance it would be recycled here in Cambodia...  Anyhow, the fact that my recent hotel provided me with not one, but two toothbrushes (individually packaged to suffocate mother earth in their plastic-goodness) hurt the soul a little.  When they 'replenished' the toothbrushes, providing two more when they restocked the toilet paper, giggling was the best solution. Punching cinder block walls it not helpful. And, then I would need to use one of these to clean my blood out of the grout...   

Giggle Moment #2


I wish I could say I always giggle at traffic here.  Sending nothing but positive vibes into the universe, but, in reality, I usually curse like a sailor. When I am not the one navigating, I get lots of laughs out of the things I can see around me in traffic.  Note: most of these photographs are not from Phnom Penh but the provinces when I am on outreach or from the bus going from province to province.

Just your average minibus transporting people and goods from province to province.  I have yet to capture a photo of a really great one of these with people sitting on the stuff hanging out of the back.  Two years to accomplish that...

The people just ride on top of their goods in this arrangement...

Contrast in transport options.

These little engines are attached to just about any wheeled machine to transport crops, animals, people, and random things from place to place.  I, in my head, refer to them as chopper tractors, because they have the long handlebars like a chopper motorcycle...

You can transport your rice and your wife...

Or, the family dogs.

And, with this model, you have room for all the family's groceries.  I am guessing you have to make sure the weight balances out on either side or you could be in trouble...

Giggle Moment #3

Sometimes, I don't even have to leave my house to get in a good snicker. Well, this may be more of the universe chortling at me than me partaking in the uproar...


Giggle Moment #4

This past week, I had the chance to see this huge reclined Buddha.  This is at a wat well off the beaten tourist trail.  When you go to the wat here in Cambodia, you can light incense and make an offering, offer a prayer, pay your respects.  This past week, I stopped at a wat with a co-worker and she encouraged me to join in showing respect.  I observed and was following her lead, all under the watchful eye of an elderly monk.  I lit my incense and began to copy her posture (feeling very proud of what a well inculturated white girl I was).  That is about the time she pointed out I lit the wrong end of the incense...


Photo of the Week

And, following the tradition of my last blog, here are some of my favorite photos from the past week.

Sometimes you just happen to be in the right place, at the right time.  Monks on the bamboo bridge in Kampong Cham province.

A young deaf girl with her grandmother, mother, and family.  Grandma seemed thrilled her granddaughter will have the opportunity to get an education, even though she was born deaf.

Our field workers teaching a young woman the alphabet in Cambodian Sign Language.

You can read more about these adventures on the Deaf Development Programme blog (my alter-ego)