Seeing a Shrink

You should see a counselor.  Get a therapist. (S)he needs a shrink.

Likely as you read those lines, you have some kind of gut reaction.  For many, counseling is so stigmatized that just reading those words causes us to want to change the subject.  I have long wondered why such a stigma?  Why do we feel we must be invincible and able to handle it all on our own, all the time?  We accept that we should see a dentist to keep our teeth in good shape, why not see someone to keep your mind and heart in good shape?  Those are harder to live without than teeth.

I became a full believer in counseling almost two years ago, thanks to Saint Kristina, as I call her.  I started going to Kristina because I felt every day a new mental health problem was walking up to my desk and my own well-being was suffering.  An obscene number of Cambodians have suffered some kind of major trauma and as an empathetic person, who has far to many conversations with people that start, "I don't usually tell people about this..." I was daily hearing of trauma.  From abuse (mental, physical, sexual, emotional), neglect, poverty, hunger, war to the ex-pat challenges of burn-out, compassion fatigue, culture shock, depression, I felt like I could barely keep my own head above water because of all the secondary emotional baggage being thrown my way -  there was no time to deal with my own issues.  My body was breaking down.  I was constantly exhausted, overwhelmed, and feared becoming that 'angry ex-pat' (if you have ever lived abroad, you will understand this.  Basically, it is someone who is so burnt-out and has lost most of their ability to interact positively with others.  They tend to be jaded, unhappy, stressed, and highly critical).  I had previously heard all counselors and social workers were required to see a counselor of their own and so I decided since I was counseling so many others, I needed to get my own counselor to keep myself from further breaking down.  This gave me my justifiable reason for taking care of myself.  You can psychoanalyze that later...

This lady sees a counselor

So, why write this now?   Over the past couple of years, I have become more and more outspoken about the benefits of counseling and I thought it was about time I put it on The Life and Love of Karen, since it is one of my loves.  I have watched many loved ones fight to overcome mental health challenges (some on their own) and if I can get just one more person to seek help so they can overcome their mental struggles and function to their highest potential that is an accomplishment. World Health Day, on April 7, was also dedicated to bringing awareness to depression, it will remain their focus for the year as it is seen as one of the leading health issues our world faces. If you happen upon this, and have thought of seeing a counselor but feel you are somehow admitting defeat if you do this, YOU ARE NOT!  You are just going to call in the back-up you need to face the next challenge life throws at your face.  It is definitely a huge part of why I have been able to make it to 30 without some kind of major crisis.

Counseling, I can truly say, has changed my life for the better.  I think of emotional baggage (grief, trauma, stress) like that toiletry with a slow leak in your suitcase.  If you don't take it out, it will just continue to slowly soil everything in your bag.  You can try to just put the lid on tighter but sooner or later the cabin pressure will change and the leak will continue.  If you just pass the bottle on to someone else, it will slowly leak into all of their garments.  BUT, if you hand it over to a counselor, they have the ability to help you actually deal with the problem, dumping it out, transforming it, cleaning it up, and making sure, even with the change in pressure, it does not, again, start seeping into your undies.

Looking back on the memories...

On my way in 2014...

Three years and four months later...

How many memories fit into three years and four months?  As I prepare to leave Cambodia, I am overwhelmed by all my recollections, and that overwhelm tends to leak out of my eyeballs.  All of the people, and places, and experiences that have shaped my existence over the past chapter of my life come flooding back each time I think of leaving.  Here are a few of my best memories:

Cambodian Weddings

I have been truly blessed to have many Cambodians take me in as one of their extended family.  This meant many chances to join weddings and other holiday activities.  These were definitely a highlight for me because it provided a window into a different world.  And, who doesn't love the chance to wear a ballroom gown?

Village People

 

My motherland, as I call it here, had too many good memories to count.  As I rode on the back of a moto to my village for the last time in the foreseeable future, I was thinking about how much I have changed since that first visit to decide if I wanted to do my language immersion there.  I remember being very nervous I was going to do something offensive (unknowingly).  I had no idea what was going on much of the time.  I was barely allowed to lift a finger to help with tasks.  On this last ride out, I could barely contain my excitement.  I spent the first few hours helping in the kitchen and catching up on all the latest news, where all my youth were going to school, family gossip, and observations of weather patterns.  I helped prepare for Palm Sunday mass and barely had a moment to chat with each of my friends.  These people for me are hospitality incarnate.  They are a model for what it means to welcome the stranger.

Photo Credit: JK Reimer

Deaf Day

Each year, we have a celebration in honor of International Week of the Deaf.  Usually between 200 to 400 people attend.  The events vary but it is so great to see our deaf community having the chance to connect with friends they may only see this one time each year.  All of these events also make me realize that I have been lucky enough to be welcomed into a second sub-culture in my time in Cambodia.  Regularly, I have been hanging out with friends and they start talking about 'hearing people.'  I have to remind them I am indeed hearing.  Each time this makes me realize how fully they have accepted me into their group.

Football (Soccer)

From my village to my work, football brings people together in amazing ways.  As a graduate of the University of Portland, go Pilots, I definitely have a love of football but have loved getting to learn to photograph it.  Having to try to anticipate, being at the right place at the right time, and clicking like mad has led to some pretty sweet shots, despite not having the best equipment for the job.  I think one of the reasons I so enjoy it is the ability to truly capture something in the moment. It reminds me that so much of life can be missed or the outcome changed in just the blink of an eye (or snap of the shutter).

Interpreting

 
Prior to arriving in Cambodia, I had done a wee bit of Spanish/English interpreting and took a translation and interpretation class in college but working at DDP, I had to develop that skill to a new level.  In high school, I considered going to college to be a sign language interpreter so I guess in someways I have had the chance to live out a dream.  Being in the position to help ensure another person has access to information in their language is truly a humbling experience and the many opportunities I have had to fill that need will stay with me for years to come.

This post is part of BloggingAbroad.org's Re-Entry Blog Challenge

Holding on to Hope

I often tell people, "Life in Cambodia is a lot like life anywhere.  There are good days and there are bad days."  The extremes do tend to be higher and lower.  The good is a grand new adventure and the bad is often wrapped in completely baffling cultural norms that do not translate into an immigrant's lived experience,  the norms with which I have grown-up.  But, there are always those hopes for the future that pull me out of the lows and frustrations and seemingly irremediable challenges.  In the words of Law and Order, these are their stories...

Deaf National Football Team

Challenge: The organization where I work, the Maryknoll Deaf Development Programme, has the vision statement: Deaf people are accepted, respected and included as equal in all aspects of Cambodian society.  While we strive to make that a reality, we face many challenges.  The largest of which is that for years our deaf community and Cambodians who are deaf have had huge limitations on their access to everything, including education.  Therefore, often times, hearing people are the ones leading the efforts (the problem here being that us hearing folks will never be the best ones to lead efforts for deaf people because the deaf people are best at leading efforts for themselves).

Hope: This past year, a group of deaf community members formed the first Deaf National Football Team.  They took the initiative, and despite many challenges, they made it happen and competed in the ASEAN Deaf Football Championship.  They did not win any grand trophy, but they showed to their community that even in a culture that often seems to tell people who are deaf that they can't, YES, WE CAN!

Road clean-up

Challenge: Cambodia struggles with waste management.  I have biked through mini-wind cyclones of plastic bags more times than I care to remember.  My unfounded perspective is that in the past, Cambodians would wrap things from the market in banana leaves (those you theoretically would just throw in the street).  The "new technology" of plastic bags took over long before the new waste management systems came in to being.  Many people honestly do not understand anything about environmental protection. *There are many, many, many other issues going on here as well but keep in mind it is not just people hating the environment.

Hope: The Deaf Community Center where I work, has done multiple workshops and events on recycling and protecting the environment.  They also did a road clean-up last year.  While these one time events are undone within a few days, some of those involved have mentioned it changing their perspectives on throwing trash in the street.  And, it definitely turned heads when a group of deaf people were coming through to clean-up the mess left by others.

Travel

Challenge: When all we see all day, every day, is the same thing, the same perspectives, the same ways of working, we tend to believe that is the only way.  But, when we are immersed in a different approach, we start to see there are multiple paths that all lead to great outcomes.  No one way is the only way.

Hope: Many of my friends and colleagues here save their money for travel or try to find ways to travel, even if just to neighboring Thailand.  Last year, a group of us went to Vietnam on holiday.  It was an amazing experience for me because of the constant, did-you-see-that moments from my colleagues.  Some of the Cambodians I know that are starting to travel come from very simple backgrounds but do everything they can to expand their horizons and learn new perspectives.

Youth

Challenge: There are many factors from governmental to cultural to historical that face my lovely home of Cambodia but...

Hope:

 ...Youth, like my lovely colleague pictured above, bring me so much hope.  This colleague of mine is one of the most selfless people I know, in any country.  She is highly intuitive and uses that to help meet the needs of those around her.  She does not care much about the material and status symbols in life, rather she focuses on how to help those around her be their best selves.  She also strives to improve herself constantly but with the end goal of better being able to meet the many needs of those in her society.  She has to struggle with walking the many fine lines of culture, power, hierarchy, and role that exist here but she doesn't mind the struggle if it is for a greater good.  And, she is not alone, I have met many youth who share her passion and really dump their hearts into the service of others.  In twenty years, these will be the leaders of businesses, government, churches, and communities (or so I dare to hope).

 

Kids

These little ones lead me to hope.  Even if things seem bleak, they are the ones inheriting this world and so regardless of the country where we reside, I think it is important to continue to hope and not get discouraged as a model for them.  The young ones have an amazing way of not getting caught up in the chaos and appreciating that tomorrow will come brighter than today, if we just keep striving for that future.  These little smiles are always a sign of hope to me and just five minutes with one of them gives me the energy to keep on keeping on.

This post is part of Blogging Abroad's 2017 New Years Blog Challenge, week four: Change and Hope.

 

To Be, or to do: that is the question.

She wildly swings her hips, trying to catch the bamboo hoop with each evolution. The more she swings the more recklessly the hoop catapults to the ground. "See, I can't do it," she signs to me. "Try again, but use very small motions." I respond. She tries again and this time the hoop stays around her waist, gracefully swaying, until she decided to stop, letting it fall rhythmically to the ground. While I watched, I couldn't help but think, how much hula hooping is like the challenges I went through coming to a being culture from my doing motherland.


Those who know me will know that I am a chronic-doer. I am rarely not overbooked.

My approach to life:

Give your all.

Attempt to take a time of giving less.

Fail.

Repeat.

A random two days in my life.  And, yes, it is color coordinated by area of my life.

How does this contrast with the norms of Cambodia?
A recent conversation I had with a friend demonstrates the contrast well.  This friend and I were talking about a potential trip to another province for a weekend away.

Karen: "What about date x (four months in advance)?"
Friend (looks at me like I am loopy):  "We'll see when it gets closer."
Karen (an ignorant foreigner): "But, if it is not on my schedule now, it will not happen because I am already booking that far out."
Friend (rolls his eyes and laughs)
Karen (with semi-feigned exasperation): "Why is it that Cambodians can't plan in advance?"
(Note: I have known him for three years and so I know this question will not offend him.  I would never ask something that directly of a stranger in a culture not my own but he and I have a relationship of straight shooting questions).
Friend:"Why would we? If you are free, you are free. If you are busy, than you can't have that experience. If the time comes and you don't have the money, you just don't do it."


You are where you are with what you have and that is it. For those of you reading this, coming from a doer culture, this sounds crazy to us. Why don't you just plan? Make your reality? Make your future? But, this also leads to making a whole lot of stress... Something many of my Cambodian friends see clearly and find baffling.


Within a being culture, such as I have encountered in Cambodia, people know the word rest.  I joke with people here that I know rest (using the one of three words for know that means to have knowledge of something) but I don't know rest (using the word to know how to do something).  For me, 'rest' means I am not in the office and I have a break in time for my own projects - blogs, grocery shopping, making food, catching up with friends, exercise, showering, normal stuff.  My colleagues see it differently.  When talking with a Cambodian colleague about what I did on my days off, the colleague simply responded, "No wonder you always look so tired and old."

A few times in my life, I have been included in Cambodian 'rest' (because I knew the offer would come so I put it on my calendar months in advance and then when the invitation arrived one day before, I was already packed). For those friends, rest literally is doing nothing. Sitting and doing nothing. Maybe laying on the floor and doing nothing. Maybe talking with people, but doing nothing. It is very impressive to me, and something I should follow more for the good of my own mental health. 


This all brings up the big question, how do we reconcile these two ways of existing, that seem to clash, in a world where the different ways of being will continue to have more and more contact? And, this is where the hula hoop comes in (at least for me).

As a person who longs to do better at just being... I strive to follow the lead of my Khmer country-mates. To be OK without a schedule that goes out six months. To be OK with space in my life that can be empty or filled depending on the whim of life or the needs of those in my life. To be able to finally really know the word for rest. To be able to accept not everything must be means to an end. It is a balance of small but intentional movements that keep us spinning through life. If we try to do, do, do our erratic convulsing will send the whole thing plummeting to the ground (sooner or later). Likewise, if we just stand there, the hoop will never rise to full potential. But, if we do slowly and intentionally while also being present, we can keep on spinning indefinitely.

This post is part of Blogging Abroad's 2017 New Years Blog Challenge, week three: Cultural Differences.

 

Debunking Five Myths about Cambodia

Myth: Cambodia?  That's in Latin America, right?
Um... Nope.  You are thinking of Colombia.  This was probably the most common confusion when I was moving to Cambodia.  Cambodia is actually in S.E. Asia nestled between Thailand, Laos, and Vietnam.  It is approximately the size of the US state of Missouri.

Myth: Cambodia = Khmer Rouge
That is the Khmer Rouge place, right?  If people know of Cambodia, often what they associate is the Khmer Rouge.  Yes, the Khmer Rouge did control the country from 1975 until 1979. A civil war continued within the country for years following and the 'Peace Agreements'  were not reached until 1991.  At that time, the country began to open up to western NGOs, business, etc.  Those years are still very present in the minds of many people and the rates of PTSD in the country are exceptionally high.  The Maryknoll Mental Health project, under the same umbrella organization with which I serve, has assisted in some studies of the topic and Cambodia has been highlighted as one of the few places third generation PTSD has been seen (this means the people who directly suffered the PTSD pass the tendencies on to the next generation who then pass it on to a third generation). While I have no expertise in this area, it seems the effects of this terrible regime are still felt today as many never received any treatment or techniques for processing.  That being said, Cambodia and Cambodian people are so much more than just these few years in their history. (Source: Cambodia's Curse; Three years of osmosis...)


Myth: Angkor Wat  is the only thing to see in Cambodia

First of all, Angkor Wat is just one ancient temple in a huge complex - plus many other scattered throughout the country of Cambodia.  Second, there are many, many other things to see and do in Cambodia, in Siem Reap alone you can also see an amazing circus, a cultural village, the floating village, night markets, and water falls.  Each different province has interesting sites to see from the Irrawaddy dolphins in Kratie to traditional dance performances at the national museum.  So, if you only see Angkor Wat or only see Siem Reap, you are missing out on all this tiny country has to offer.

Myth: It is so DANGEROUS!
You are 52.63% less likely to be murdered in Cambodia than in the USA according to Ifitweremyhome.com.  The most common crime in Cambodia is bag snatching.  It is a crime of opportunity and if you are cautious and aware, your chances are fairly low to be the victim of a bag snatching.  There is very little random violence. The biggest risks to your safety, in my opinion, are dehydration or traffic accidents.


Myth: What an underdeveloped place
When I moved to Cambodia, many people seemed to think I would be living in relative squalor.  In fact, I am blessed with a clothes washing machine, a one-shower hot water heater, running water, WiFi, electricity that works 99% of the time, an air condition unit I can use if I want to pay the high electricity bill, and so many other amenities that we take for granted in my home country.  Within walking distance, there are about a half-dozen pizza places and a burger joint or two.  Sure, there is a stinky ditch aka open sewer a few blocks from my house, but other than that and the air pollution, you could forget you are not in my home state of Oregon (if you are in the house...)  Outside the city many people live much as they have for centuries (with the exception of a fare number of smart phones) but it is possible for people to live to the same standards they had in their USA/Australia/European homes for a fraction of the price.  And, there are many local folks that are dedicating their lives to seeing improvements in the lives of their fellow-country(wo)men. 

So, don't let the 'underdevelopment' and danger deter you from paying us a visit and seeing all we have to offer!  Just make sure you don't get on a plane to Latin America...


This post is part of Blogging Abroad's 2017 New Years Blog Challenge, week two: The Danger of a Single Story.

Cornucopia of Culture

Do you ever look back at your life or childhood and say, "There were so many signs!"  As a child, one of my favorite book's was Pancho's Pinata.  I remember once asking for this electronic globe for Christmas that had a stylus attached.  When you touched it to a country, it would give you information on that country.  When I was in High School, we joined the Model United Nations and I was responsible for representing Ukraine.  I think I did a terrible job because I kept trying to figure out what would be the solution with the greatest benefit for the most nations and the least negative repercussions, as opposed to worrying about the interests of my own country.  My mindset has long been one that thinks outside the borders of my own country, even back when I was a small waif of child, my influence and effect on the wider world caused me to worry.

Back when I was wee

Fast forward a few countries and a few new languages, and though my perspectives have expanded, that internal motivation is much the same.  I still greatly enjoy pondering solutions to global problems that are cross-culturally relevant and relate-able.  I love seeing cultures come together and figuring out how to make that work.  A few days back, my Vietnamese-Chinese-Texan friend and I walked into an Indian restaurant in Thailand, which had Italian decor, German wall hangings and Spanish music blaring.  We chatted about our friends in Bolivia, El Salvador, and Tanzania, as well as our lives in Cambodia and the struggles of a government that only looks out for the short-term benefit of the few rather than the long-term benefits of the many. I didn't realize at the time, that experience was kind of like a UN meeting with 12 different countries somehow included (13 if you count Texas).  It reinforced for me how interconnected our world has become.  And, I realized how much more fun life is when we have that overlap.  We cannot make decisions in one place without understanding the implications an ocean away and now, thanks to the joy of the internet, we may see the repercussions. 

Embracing the cultural traditions of Cambodian weddings

As I begin to prepare to leave my Cambodian home of three years, I have been reflecting on all the places I have lived and the people who have been my home.  It is reassuring to me in those moments that it is not my residence that makes me a global citizen but an approach to life that has been coursing through my veins long before I could name it.  The anxiety that comes with trying to consider the implications of our actions far beyond any man-drawn lines on a map is definitely outweighed by the beauty of knowing our positive mark on the world can be felt around the globe and, more than ever before, we have the opportunities to learn from the whole cornucopia of cultures this planet has to offer.  As my friend James joked, "We will be the first in line for the Global Citizen passport."  One that I think would be the equivalent of a globally recognized TSA pre-screening pass.  May we all take advantage of this moment in time that provides us the opportunity to see beyond the walls of our immediate reality.


This post is part of Blogging Abroad’s 2017 New Years Blog Challenge

Power and Privilege Part III

With my amazing colleagues at a team building and communications workshop

"Where there's a man who has no voice, there I shall be singing." This is one of the beautifully poetic lines written by the great artist Jewel in her song Hands. The song has many great tidbits of wisdom but this one has often struck me as I sing this anthem to myself. This sentiment that some people need other people to be their voice is echoed again and again by service-loving individuals, advocates, and NGO people. The idea that some of us need to speak for others. I have reached a point in my life that this idea is very off-putting and when I hear others say their job is to speak for such and such a marginalized group, I often mentally respond with my favorite come back "Just go home." You are further perpetuating the cycles of dependency and 'voicelessness' you claim to war against, if you feel you are giving someone a voice. This may offend some, so keep reading to see why I make this statement.


I fully believe all people have a voice. The issue is not a lack of voice, it is that some of us choose not to listen (in the broadest sense of the word, not necessarily involving the ability to hear with your ears) or some people are not given an audience to hear their voice. This could mean language barriers; it could mean confidence barriers; it could mean those people have been so well-trained by cultural norms that they think they have no right to speak and thus do not; or they have cried themselves hoarse in the past without response, so they decide to save their energy. I have decided we need a new paradigm. Instead of being the voice for others, we need more people who will give others a seat at the table. We need to start asking, "Who will be your plus one?"

Cambodian Wedding 2014

Perhaps this concept resounds with me because of the sheer number of friends I have getting married, all the wonderful cards asking who will be the plus one that I bring along. Or, maybe it connects back to my time in DC where I had the pleasure to attend a number of galas, fine dining, networking affairs that often provided the opportunity to bring along one more person. This, I think, is an approach we need to copy, since we cannot force people to listen.


As I talked about power and privilege in previous blogs, we see we each have our perspectives and we likely have our own groups with which we spend time (perhaps with those who hold similar perspectives). For some of us, there may be certain events and parties that we are invited to attend because of our power and affiliation (audiences that we can access because of our power and privilege). Instead of speaking for others, what if we start inviting those whose voices are not heard into those halls of power along with us and giving them an audience with whom they can speak?

Interpreting in Australia

An example from my own life... I have shared before that on a number of occasions I have been called on to be an interpreter for some of my Deaf colleagues. Though, not an ideal situation for a perfectionist with nothing but life experience to serve as training for such a task, I am often eager to take on the challenge (and at times create the challenge by lobbying to bring my Deaf colleagues along with me to meetings and events). Why? Because so often people say well-intentioned things like "It is so great for you to speak out for Deaf people since they can't do it themselves." Or "It is nice they have you to speak for them." Sure, the sentiment is often benevolent but my Deaf colleagues sure don't need me to speak for them. Many of them are equally, if not more opinionated than I and simply need to borrow my voice or ears (as some have before asked) so that I can make their language one that others will understand. Or, they need access to my audience. The limitation is imposed by the society in which they live, not inherent to their being.


A colleague of mine, also working in the NGO sector, has said numerous times "Guilt is a useless emotion." Thus, I write this not to chastise, as I, too, have likely used some of the phrases above and likely said even more offensive things.  I simply want to propose a new approach and to draw attention to this issue for all of us who are lucky enough to have a seat at the table with those who have power and privilege. It is not our job to take on another's story or fight, we simply must give them the audience.

Who are you bringing along as your plus one?