Girls Rule! I mean, Girls' Rules

Once upon a time, when I was but a wee freshman at university, I attended a series of talks by four different women on their roles in their respective religions.  I will always remember the Muslim woman commenting on the fact that many outside the religion see the hijab as restricting women's rights, but, for her, and many Muslim women she knew in the United States, it was freeing.  The conservative nature of dress meant one did not have to deal with being objectified by men, harassed, catcalled, or any of the other regular occurrences within our culture of male-female relations. This comment has always stuck with me and let me tell you, at times I have been ready to put on a burka. 

What does this have to do with Cambodia?  I will get there.  They tell us in training, there will be times in your mission experience that things just drive you nuts.  Cultural norms that cannot be changed and within which you must learn to work.  Those who know me, will know I very strongly believe in adapting to the receiving culture but that does not mean it is easy or without wanting to slap a few people (so far actual slapping has not occurred... too many times).  Please read with the caveat, I could write an even longer post about all the things I find challenging within the USA paradigm, there is a reason I leave every few years, keeps my frustration down to a manageable state but I write so 1) you don't get it in your head that my life is all sunshine and rainbows; 2) because I think it is important for us to think about how far our culture has come and recognize the challenges that still exist in some places; 3) for those of you who have lived this reality, give me pointers, Baby!

Let's go back a few hundred years, when some poems called the Chbab (law/rule) Srey (girl) and Chbab Proh (Boy) were first released, there was a huge book signing and people hashtagged the heck out of that #Chbabthat.  Wait, no, that isn't right.  The world was different a few hundred years ago.  Well, these fine documents basically laid out the rules of how boys and girls should behave.  At an early teen age, girls were locked in a hut and instructed on these books while being 'prepared' to enter the world as a woman (the better looking she was, after all sorts of gunk was applied to her skin for the months she was in the hut etc, the richer a husband she would capture).  When the woman emerged, the parents of prospective husbands would come calling to the parents of the beauty, arrangements were made, she was married, and they all lived happily ever after...ish...

Well, these fine poems still exist today.  From my sources, I have learned they were still taught in schools until recently and hundreds of years of cultural norms are hard to change.  Some of the great bits of woman wisdom include women should never argue with her husband (he is always right), should never talk to others of problems with husband (hello, huge opening for domestic abuse), she should not laugh loudly, should always speak softly, should not question her husband, should not sleep with her back to her husband, and should serve her husband (to name a few of my personal favorites).  My jaw literally dropped as I was reading this.  There are many studies showing the links of this 'education' to domestic violence, low levels of self-worth in women, and the employment gender differences, if you would like to read.  But, how does this affect me?

In a couple of ways, I feel this challenge (again, keep in mind who is writing this; I am not a girlie-girl; I believe in comfort and functionality before 'style;' I have a brain and intend to use it; I don't take crap from men or women well; I believe in self-expression; I believe we should all judge less but if we are judging, judge by the quality of character not the way a person chooses to 'package' themselves; etc).  First, when it comes to making friends here.  I think relationships with Khmer women will only be able to go so far.  From their side it seems, there is often little understanding that we may have different perspectives or even a thought to question such sexist norms that are limiting their potential (in my opinion). Such comments have been made as "You look 100% girl today" (I was wearing a women's cut shirt and jeans) "Are you a girl or not?" (When I referenced fixing my own bike instead of paying to take it somewhere) "We have to teach you to be proper" (for waving to a boy) "You shouldn't talk so loud, laugh so loud..." "When you walk, walk toe to heal, otherwise it is loud and not proper." Paraphrase: we are not supposed to argue with our husbands, if we do our mother always sides with him.  Just about a week of examples...

Second, and why I am ready for a Burka.  I have lost count of the number of times men have made culturally inappropriate advances (such as saying hi pretty lady, giving me their phone number, asking if I would marry a Khmer man, saying they don't understand why I don't have a husband, making comments about if they were my boyfriend, etc.).  My culture advisers have told me all of these things are SO inappropriate for men to do to women here.  There theory is that it may come from general disrespect for women or from seeing this done on TV and thinking it is how it works with foreigners or may come from foreigners who travel with the intent to hook-up with people in other countries - seriously folks, you are making the world difficult for all of us buy casually hooking up with nationals.  Luckily, they have all been tame advances but I also avoid putting myself in situations that would allow for other advances.*  But, these are the norms and my ignore face has gotten pretty good, as have my looking confused and responding in Spanish and pretending to not understand their Khmer.  The facts I am Khmer size, 'blonde,' pasty white, and young apparently work to my disadvantage.  The facts I have a naturally intimidating presence, am a naturally (and here more so) conservative dresser, and don't respond work to my advantage.

But, of all my frustrations, this one tops the list.  How do I present an alternative to women without being culturally insensitive?  How do I avoid smashing my Klean Kanteen into the face of the next bloke who decides patronizing me is a good idea? (just kidding!  Sort of...) How do I not end up a man-hater (as may have occurred after working with survivors of domestic violence for a year)? How have other women living in incredibly male-centric cultures managed this?  Your thoughts are appreciated!

*Disclaimer to my actual mother and all mother-like-figures, I have never felt my person or safety was threatened in any of these situations, so please do not worry.  I have just been greatly annoyed.

And, another thing for boys...



Boys can eat these:

 

This is the language school director's son, aka cutest kid in Cambodia! 

 

WAIT!  Stop the Presses!

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Girls can, too! 

 

Legs first they said!

 

Reminded me of kale chips... All you taste is oil and salt.  And, crunch...  Lots of crunch.

 

Comfort Zone

 

My friend Vandy and I traded shoes

This whole adjusting to a new culture involves a fair amount of trying to walk in another human's shoes.  Perhaps, this means walking paths outside my normal comfort zone, but for me, it is amazing how quickly one can adapt.  I recently have been contemplating a lot about how we all often say in our daily life, "Oh, I don't know how to do that."  Or "I can't do that."  What would happen if we instead said, "I can learn to do that."  or "I will figure out how to make that work"  It would be amazing what we can learn and accomplish.  For those who know me well, you will know I am a VERY fearful person.  I like back-up plans and escape routes and do not like being out of control of "the plan."  I always tell friends, I can plan to have no plan and then it is ok :)  But, I also strongly believe in expanding my comfort zone and am addicted to transition, so enjoy pushing those boundaries.

One example of boundary pushing, that recently happened relates to language.  I can remember just six short months ago, being completely lost language wise.  At times it has been frustrating.  I remember thinking, I will never get these sounds, I will never remember all these letters, I can't write except in phonetics, writing two sentences takes me 30 minutes or more because I have to look up every word BUT, amazingly, I have reached all of these milestones.  I insisted on learning the letters, and started teaching myself until my teachers decided it was ok to teach them to me, trying always to push myself even if there was an easier way, or my teachers didn't require me to push myself, or at times said, "that is too hard for you right now."  Funny, now, though I am nowhere near fluent and will have to continue to push myself, things that even a month ago I wouldn't have thought I could remember, I now have down.

Another comfort zone push for me has been buying fruit/veggies daily.   There is a market within spitting distance of my house.  If I want to eat a kilo of mangosteen, not that I do that every day or anything, all I have to do it walk 60 seconds and I can get my Kilo of Mangosteen.  I always said I wanted to be a regular somewhere, Cheers-style.  Well, I can't say they know my name but they see me coming and start selecting the best Mangosteens from the pile and put them in a bag - and they are always glad I came.  If another customer happens to be there, my saleslady and her son, explain that I buy them every day (as the other customers can't understand why we don't even have to speak).  This process though, of going to the market, was initially overwhelming.  I would be afraid I couldn't communicate, what if I couldn't make a decision, what if I made a fool of myself, what if????  Go figure, all those "what ifs" were for not.  I always end up with the food I want and have yet to do something completely foolish (I always check to make sure I am wearing pants before leaving the house!)  Again, expanding my normal (not the checking for pants, the going to market... maybe I should quit while I am ahead).

I guess, all this is to say, any of us can do this in our daily life.  I don't think one needs to move half-way around the world.  It is just a matter of picking one thing and saying I want this to be a part of who I am and doing it.  Could be going to bed earlier, could be talking to people on the bus (don't try that one in DC ;)), could be biking to the grocery store, could be reading the newspaper.  With all the time we spend making excuses as to why it can't be done, we could be half way to mastery and a much larger comfort zone.  Then, when that becomes our normal, pick another and slowly, we all grow as human beings.  That must be good for all of us, right?

**** If though, you think visiting half-way around the world is a good way to expand your comfort zone, I have an opportunity for you!  I have mentioned before MKLM leads Friends Across Borders trips to the various regions where MKLM works and there is one coming to 'Bodia in February of next year!  If anyone is interested, you can find more information here (or just ask).

Number one selling point for coming on this trip...

... You get to spend Valentine's Day 2015 with the lovely lady on the left.  Frosting not included.

And, the winner is...

And, the winner is... (or loser, depending on how you feel about having me as an employee)

I know you have all been waiting to find out what I will actually being doing here, since right now everyone thinks I am on vacation ;)  I wrap up language school in two weeks, there is nothing left for them to teach me. JUST KIDDING (I will continue to study a couple of hours/week with a tutor)!

Starting on Aug. 4, 2014, I will be working at the Deaf Development Project (described here in a previous blog).  The day-to-day tasks are still being determined, but you will know when I do :)  There will probably be some communications work, as that is some of my background.  Starting in August, I will be learning another language - Khmer Sign Language.  Let's hope all those years of American Sign Language pay-off.  I am very excited for this next step, as I do enjoy working - contrary to popular belief.  It will be nice to have that structure in my life again (almost 1-year since I left my last job at the American Wind Energy Association).

So, although you now know I will not be working at any of these fine places, I wanted to share with you a couple more locations where my groupmates are working and give you a bit more insight into Cambodian life...

A few years back, in a poor shantytown type area of Phnom Penh, there was a huge fire destroying the homes of many.  Luckily, there was a plot of land a long way outside the city all ready, even with individual plots drawn-out, to which these folks could move.  A huge casino was built on the location of their previous home, conveniently timed accidental fire, mind you.  Two of my groupmates work in this resettlement area.  They provide scholarships for the children to study, academic support, trainings for people going to work overseas (in hopes of keeping them from ending up in a trafficked situation), support to the elderly that have no family, support to a women's co-op, among other things.  This visit, for me, was eye opening for three reasons.  One, it makes you question when NGOs step in so a government doesn't have to help its own people.  For example, because this fire was 'an accident' all these NGOs rushed into help relocate people, build homes, provide food, help with education, etc.  This area didn't have 'roads' (did I mention it is in a swamp area, so rainy season, it floods... remember, sanitation ie toilets are rare here...) until an NGO helped install them. 

Two, the contrast of those with money and those without was fairly clear.  Unlike in the USA where we like to separate such things with roads or train tracks, here, in some areas, the contrast is your next door neighbors. 

Three, I saw "Special Meat" Grilling for the first time...

 

Seedling of Hope is another one of the Maryknoll Cambodia projects.  This one works with those suffering from HIV/AIDS or because of HIV/AIDS.  They provide support to children who have lost their parents, small loans to those trying to make it, and medical support.  Thanks to many of the new HIV drugs available, this organization is no longer about hospice type care, it is now about helping those with HIV/AIDS to get the medical treatment they need and to be re-integrated into mainstream society.  One thing which particularly impressed me is the focus of Seedlings to get children re-integrated with family.  In Cambodia, there is a huge 'orphanage issue.'  People send their kids to orphanages because they cannot afford to raise them.   Certain exploitation can arise as these places draw in foreigners, who go figure, give lots of money to 'poor orphans.'  Some of these locations even coach their kids on what to say to white people.  In an environment, where this kind of set-up is the norm, Seedlings does the opposite as they try to find the extended family of children who have lost parents to AIDS and then they provide the support to re-integrate them (if a positive situation is available) - recognizing, from a psycho-social perspective, being a part of a family unit holds some importance.  Again, great to be associated with an organization which shares my values!

Now, as a reward for finishing this incredibly long post (note, this is why I should not go two months without blogging), I give you more photos from my time in the village.

 

My kitty cat (can't remember the name our French visitors gave her, may be Calais).  She liked to sleep in my moto helmet, I think she felt safe :)

 

With about 1/3 of the youth from the parish.  So excited to return next month and run English Camp for some of these folks!

 

Yet another reason I should not be left alone with children ;)  This was the kids' favorite pictures to re-look at.  Probably because is is not 'proper'