Sometimes this sucks

As the title of this post indicates, sometimes this sucks.  From feedback I have received from people recently, I get the impression I am communicating some kind of rose-colored-glasses version of reality.  So, I want to clarify, sometimes this sucks.  I can only speak to my experience, not that of every missioner but, sometimes this really blows.

By coming overseas, I left my support community, my coping mechanisms, many things, behind that I didn't realize were being left out of my suitcase.  I figured I would find new ones here, or thought I was bringing some along but reality had a different idea.  Therefore, when things get tough, because life is tough, I have found it exceedingly more overwhelming to deal with those struggles.

There are the little things about trying to fit in a new culture.  I really see two approaches here, some people just live as they always have lived (regardless of the offensiveness to the host culture) and others try to fit in.  I think I fall toward the fit in side but sometimes it is just too much. Sometimes, I just want to wear shorts, or hug my male friends in public, or laugh loudly, or, or, or...  When does not being culturally offensive start to jeopardize me being myself?  I have been told in my time here that I am too loud for a woman, I laugh too much, I don't dress girlie enough or I dress like a boy.  I am too skinny, I am too fat.  I have been told I should wear certain clothes, certain make-up, scanter clothes, more conservative clothes.  I have been laughed at by my attempts to speak the language and also told my language skills are amazing.  I have been nit-picked for saying things wrong, by Khmer and foreigners.  I have been told I need to try this or that because that is the culture here and I need to try more (to be Khmer).  I struggle because I chose to come here, so does that mean I am the one who needs to conform?  How do I do that without losing myself?  It doesn't matter how thick a skin I try to have, sometimes I just want people to stop telling me what I am doing is wrong or how I need to change.

Relationships are more difficult.  Who pays?  Is my paying creating dependency or acknowledging my stipend is higher than many of my co-workers' salaries?  What do I say and not say as to not offend people?  I can't even talk to men without potentially sending the wrong impression. How deep can relationships go when neither person is particularly fluent in the other person's first language? Talking about family, friends, experiences only further demonstrates the extreme gap between life style privileges. My vegetarianism is constantly a point of debate so I will just avoid situations where others are eating, because I don't want them to feel bad or offended that I am not but that is also not something I am compromising and am tired of being made to feel that it makes me a failure as a missioner.

There are ex-pats to deal with.  Let's just say, not everyone has the same approach to living in the country but many think their way is right and they hold some ultimate truth.  So, the people who are 'easier' friends, because they come from a similar background and culture, can sometimes be the most difficult people.  Many have burn-out, or are set in their ways. White savior complex is rampant and dependency-based models of development abound.  Plus, many expats are dealing with the same issues of culture shock or lack of support, which I find problematic.  Many give and give and give on their job but are not aware that their interactions with other ex-pats are less than life-giving.  So, finding my tribe has been difficult.

  

Most of my coping mechanisms also don't work here.  Though, these were discussed beforehand, I thought many were transferable.  Then, reality hit. I bake and cook, especially for friends.  Here, that is taxing.  It is hard to find ingredients, it heats up the whole house to 90 degrees, who do you invite without others feeling excluded, especially when it comes to the local community.  It is usually more stressful than helpful.  I run.  Can't run outside here because the pollution makes me sick, or as the Dr. said, "You are allergic to Cambodia and will continue to get sick, as long as you are doing strenuous physical activity outside."  I try running at the gym, but I can't work-out too hard without getting sick, or headaches, or losing too much weight (because it is really hard for me to keep on weight in a hot country where I have no appetite, I can't eat dairy - Dr.'s orders, and seem to end up with an unhappy gut every other week from food, probably that I ate out with friends so as not to offend, or from stress because my coping mechanisms were taken away, or because when I get too hot, I get an upset stomach).   I bike.  If you read my recent newsletter, or any of the traffic blogs, you will understand why that doesn't work so well.  I go to nature.  Uhhhh... Cambodia I believe is winning the award for highest rate of deforestation in any country.  Soooo...

Now throw on top of this, life continuing back at home.  Friends and family are far away.  Important events, weddings, holidays, birthdays, are missed.  Then, there are the really hard things like aging, personal problems, and funerals.  My experience has been these are harder than ever from a distance. Guilt, regret, worry.  There is a constant underlying fear that something will happen to someone important and all this time will have been missed with them.  And, for what?  I am probably just being culturally offensive, furthering a cycle of dependence, and further confusing situations.  Plus, this was a choice. It is a privilege to be here and that all these people have welcomed me into their world and their lives, so how snobby and self-centered does that make me that I am not thrilled at every moment?  I should be overwhelmed with gratitude daily for all these things, but sometimes I just am not.

Sometimes, I just want to not care.

I don't have a solution.  And, every person I talk to has a different answer. For many at home, the solution is just to leave. But, is quitting because it is hard really going to help me? Maybe there are lessons still to be learned. As a friend and I used to discuss, I guess this is Phoenixing. You have to burn-up for something new to come up from the ashes. And, there is nothing like taking away all my normal surroundings and supports and throwing me out of my comfort zone to have to face what I am really made of, and not all of it is pretty.

I leave you with a song by an artist who I don't really wish to endorse, but a friend shared it with me. Seems well timed.