What does this have to do with Cambodia? I will get there. They tell us in training, there will be times in your mission experience that things just drive you nuts. Cultural norms that cannot be changed and within which you must learn to work. Those who know me, will know I very strongly believe in adapting to the receiving culture but that does not mean it is easy or without wanting to slap a few people (so far actual slapping has not occurred... too many times). Please read with the caveat, I could write an even longer post about all the things I find challenging within the USA paradigm, there is a reason I leave every few years, keeps my frustration down to a manageable state but I write so 1) you don't get it in your head that my life is all sunshine and rainbows; 2) because I think it is important for us to think about how far our culture has come and recognize the challenges that still exist in some places; 3) for those of you who have lived this reality, give me pointers, Baby!
Let's go back a few hundred years, when some poems called the Chbab (law/rule) Srey (girl) and Chbab Proh (Boy) were first released, there was a huge book signing and people hashtagged the heck out of that #Chbabthat. Wait, no, that isn't right. The world was different a few hundred years ago. Well, these fine documents basically laid out the rules of how boys and girls should behave. At an early teen age, girls were locked in a hut and instructed on these books while being 'prepared' to enter the world as a woman (the better looking she was, after all sorts of gunk was applied to her skin for the months she was in the hut etc, the richer a husband she would capture). When the woman emerged, the parents of prospective husbands would come calling to the parents of the beauty, arrangements were made, she was married, and they all lived happily ever after...ish...
Well, these fine poems still exist today. From my sources, I have learned they were still taught in schools until recently and hundreds of years of cultural norms are hard to change. Some of the great bits of woman wisdom include women should never argue with her husband (he is always right), should never talk to others of problems with husband (hello, huge opening for domestic abuse), she should not laugh loudly, should always speak softly, should not question her husband, should not sleep with her back to her husband, and should serve her husband (to name a few of my personal favorites). My jaw literally dropped as I was reading this. There are many studies showing the links of this 'education' to domestic violence, low levels of self-worth in women, and the employment gender differences, if you would like to read. But, how does this affect me?
In a couple of ways, I feel this challenge (again, keep in mind who is writing this; I am not a girlie-girl; I believe in comfort and functionality before 'style;' I have a brain and intend to use it; I don't take crap from men or women well; I believe in self-expression; I believe we should all judge less but if we are judging, judge by the quality of character not the way a person chooses to 'package' themselves; etc). First, when it comes to making friends here. I think relationships with Khmer women will only be able to go so far. From their side it seems, there is often little understanding that we may have different perspectives or even a thought to question such sexist norms that are limiting their potential (in my opinion). Such comments have been made as "You look 100% girl today" (I was wearing a women's cut shirt and jeans) "Are you a girl or not?" (When I referenced fixing my own bike instead of paying to take it somewhere) "We have to teach you to be proper" (for waving to a boy) "You shouldn't talk so loud, laugh so loud..." "When you walk, walk toe to heal, otherwise it is loud and not proper." Paraphrase: we are not supposed to argue with our husbands, if we do our mother always sides with him. Just about a week of examples...
Second, and why I am ready for a Burka. I have lost count of the number of times men have made culturally inappropriate advances (such as saying hi pretty lady, giving me their phone number, asking if I would marry a Khmer man, saying they don't understand why I don't have a husband, making comments about if they were my boyfriend, etc.). My culture advisers have told me all of these things are SO inappropriate for men to do to women here. There theory is that it may come from general disrespect for women or from seeing this done on TV and thinking it is how it works with foreigners or may come from foreigners who travel with the intent to hook-up with people in other countries - seriously folks, you are making the world difficult for all of us buy casually hooking up with nationals. Luckily, they have all been tame advances but I also avoid putting myself in situations that would allow for other advances.* But, these are the norms and my ignore face has gotten pretty good, as have my looking confused and responding in Spanish and pretending to not understand their Khmer. The facts I am Khmer size, 'blonde,' pasty white, and young apparently work to my disadvantage. The facts I have a naturally intimidating presence, am a naturally (and here more so) conservative dresser, and don't respond work to my advantage.
But, of all my frustrations, this one tops the list. How do I present an alternative to women without being culturally insensitive? How do I avoid smashing my Klean Kanteen into the face of the next bloke who decides patronizing me is a good idea? (just kidding! Sort of...) How do I not end up a man-hater (as may have occurred after working with survivors of domestic violence for a year)? How have other women living in incredibly male-centric cultures managed this? Your thoughts are appreciated!
*Disclaimer to my actual mother and all mother-like-figures, I have never felt my person or safety was threatened in any of these situations, so please do not worry. I have just been greatly annoyed.
And, another thing for boys...
Boys can eat these:
This is the language school director's son, aka cutest kid in Cambodia!
WAIT! Stop the Presses!
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Girls can, too!
Legs first they said!
Reminded me of kale chips... All you taste is oil and salt. And, crunch... Lots of crunch.
Love it! Thanks for this post, Karen. As you know, us ladies in Tanzania get to experience very similar situations, even those of us who are married! I'm trying to make these "teachable moments" as much as I can, by saying, "Would you speak to your sister that way? Is that a nice way to treat a guest in your country?" It doesn't always work, but I have to hope that it makes them think twice the next time!
ReplyDeleteLove it! You will have to keep me updated on the reactions. Have you seen the Cards Against Harassment? I will put the link below! I think we should get these made in our country languages :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.cardsagainstharassment.com/stories.html